ABOUT ME

An old-web girly who never had a site until now

Hey there, my name is Sacred. You can call me Red for short. Here's a little bit about me.

  • 30's
  • Black
  • She/They Pixelated trans flag
  • Was a preteen/teen in the 00's. Had a myspace and Gaiaonline.

Likes and Dislikes

  • Likes
    • Pokemon, Monster Hunter
    • French House/Disco House Music (ala Daft Punk, Justice)
    • Dubstep, Color Bass (ie Skybreak, Chime)
    • Dungeons and Dragons (and TTRPGs at large)
    • My partner
  • Dislikes
    • Bigotry of any kind
    • Olives
    • The Government
    • Cheaters (a wacky story for another day)

      • Probe Deeper? Mini Biography

      • The short version
        • I was born and continue to live in the American Midwest. All my life I've been able to smell the wind off of the great lakes.
        • When I was a kid, my parents lived in different states, and I would semi-frequently enjoy 4+ hour car rides to visit or stay with one of them. Eventually, they moved in together and have been married and such ever since.
        • I was a typical "gifted" kid who got accolades in the early levels of gradeschool, only to crash and collapse at the finish line with shit grades due to poor mental health.
        • I've never handled disappointing people well, and would rather not make promises due to the risk of doing something wrong and upsetting someone/ruining something.
        • I was in community college for years for a degree in audio engineering and studio stuff. However, I hate having authority and people to disappoint, so I never went into the studio work field.
        • I am (or was, depending on what you consider activity) a member of a early 2010's internet microlabel Phantom Musique (Formerly Phantom Records). It was a briefly active French House/Nu-Disco/House Music centered microlabel following in the image of Roule, Le Knight Club, acts of the early 2000's and late 90's. "Jokestrap" is a music person I chose purely out of juvenile whimsy and humor. The music I initially made bore heavy inspiration from Youtube Poops of the time, and as a result 16+ years later I'm still sat with a name that is a typo for jock-straps.
      • Gender
        • As a child, I don't recall having a particularly strong idea of gender in any inward way; I observed others and operated purely off of their assumptions and expectations. I know some people always remember being a girl (despite being assigned male at birth), but I don't really have that experience. Gender for me was thing people ascribed but never investigated.
        • I was a child/preteen of the net, from most of my time after 2005 spent on places like Serebii, Gaia Online, Adventure Quest, and the like. I, like many of millenials my age, had unsupervised internet access lead to exposure to adult content and shock content. This led to particular period of my adolescence being very hypersexual, using any opportunity I had to use the "computer time" to find adult content. I spent entire summer vacations on old defunct websites like MyOnlineSexgames and other newgrounds-adjacent flash sites, playing erotic anime games and similar content, with no way of understanding how the stuff made me feel or navigate that stuff. One day, I stumbled upon a series of flash animations of incredibly dainty, 90's anime inspired girls. They were pretty, but they had the same genitals as I did. The girls were very round and delicate, and they didn't feel exactly sexual (Despite being clear fetish content). The image of this unbothered doe eyed girl with a penis was burned into my mind in a way I couldn't make sense of.
        • For a long time after that, I would secretly explore the internet for what I would discover was "Futa art", depicting women with penises or variant genitalia. Something drew me to it that I couldn't understand. In high school I would discover a fantastical but subtle attraction to men, and began to identify as bisexual. I felt a bit of shame in that (likely due to internalized biphobia), especially considering I still primarily was attracted to women. The ways that I felt attracted to those to genders felt different in a way I couldn't explain either; I could never see myself being particularly dominant or aggressive with men. I could only invision myself as something more submissive and receptive. With women I felt almost ravenous, feeling a mixture of dominant and submissive tendencies.
        • I recall my only exposure to transgender people were through spectacle or individuals who were gendernonconforming that my peers would engage in bigotry about. Jerry Springer episodes in passing depicting "girlfriends who were 'secretly men' the whole time!" were deeply toxic scandalized portrayals of people just attempting to live authentically. As far as everyone acted, trans people were individuals only worthy of mockery and shunning.
        • After graduating highschool, I would date several women, in deeply passionate and intense relationships. I was very sexual at times, as if the wires in my mind that defined romantic feelings and sexual feelings were welded together. All of these various cis women (or later fem nonbinary people) engaged in those relationships as if I were a man, and I attempted to respond to those ideas of me by affirming those ideas. One of my exes was deeply amused by mustaches, and I remember having a mustache grown and grooming it like it mattered. But I never really recall ever having any personal stake in those perceptions of me beyond trying to please others.
        • One of my exes encouraged me to get a Tumblr account (that I still have to this day) that pushed my experience over the edge. I originally experienced tumblr through a Mean Girls fanblog that I stumbled upon years prior, not aware that this Mean Girls Website was actually just one blog of a person on a bigger website. I created my account to be about my fandoms, video games like Monster Hunter and Metal Gear. But around the time I joined, online activism was getting much more visible on the site. Before I knew it, I was following multiple self-described feminist blogs from white women talking about very important issues! Reproductive rights, women's rights in broader strokes, how far we as a society have gone, and how far we have left to equality and equity! I was wholly on board, reblogging plenty of posts about these issues. One blog I saw in the activism space was one by a teen trans girl in New York named Autumn Fhtagn on the blog AutumnandEve. She would talk about issues as a trans person, her experiences, struggles, and just her life. I remember seeing her talk and relating to the things she said in an abstract way. (She eventually deactivated and I never saw her online again outside of a possible facebook account that it would be too weird for me to send a friend request to).
        • Later, attempting to promote my music, I would stumble onto a user by the name of CHRYSALISAMIDST, a girly in NY who had music, art, and her experiences in the nonprofit sector all over her blog. I remember seeing her, how pretty she was, her story, her art, her feelings, and seeing something of her in myself. I couldn't quite make out what that was, but I really related to her despite just "being a guy". I suppose some might call that being an "egg", but I don't think my experience is exactly the typical trans narrative.
        • By the time I finished college, I had already started to semi-publicly identify as non-binary. I had started to recognize that manhood, masculinity, "being a guy" honestly weren't perspectives or experiences I shared. I didn't see myself in any of the men I knew, not in a way that show me as one of them. The only people I saw myself in were these random trans women I was seeing online lmao. I ended up working retail at a CVS (hell) for 5 years, and through that time I truly began to feel a strain in the public eye of others. My deadname, my expression, they all began to feel like needles piercing my skin. Every time I was called mister or sir it made me cringe, and I would begin to experiment with my gender expression. I wore nail polish, grew them as long as I could before they broke. I let my hair grow out as much as possible and wore it as wide and wavy as possible at all times. I shaved my face constantly, sometimes even my arms and hands. But it didn't get much better. It was if everyone saw me there as what I was when I first started, and it was driving me crazy.
        • I recall one night when I was closing, a really pretty girl came in to buy some stuff really quick. She was clearly not from the area, and it was an obvious "on the way convenience store stop". She got her purchase and left, before coming back in and asking me for my number. I wasn't single at the time, so I had to decline, but I think I was more bothered by the experience of being desired in a form that didn't suit me. She saw me in a shape that felt gross and alien and wanted that, but that wasn't me! It's like she was looking right through me; or rather i was forced to wear a mask at all times that I hated. I hated the feeling of being desired for something I wasn't. She saw a man she liked, but I wasn't that.
        • At a certain point, I had begun to just sort of see myself as more feminine. I don't know what did it, but I started to feel like that would work. Not that I was exactly a woman in a binary gendered sense, but that I would prefer to be percieved as a woman than anything else. Maybe all those transgender women I had befriended and met over the years weren't just "strong people I related to/felt inspired by". Maybe they were me, and I didn't know how to reach out for that self-realization. I remember spending an afternoon watching Brokeback Mountain and Paris Is Buring for the first time back to back (I had always heard about PIB but never watched it on my own). I saw these stories of long dead trans women, gender nonconforming and gay people, and it was like a switch went off. I cried, seeing these girls younger than me seek a peaceful joyous life, only to die young because of violent and bigoted men or societies that don't seek to protect them. I went to my mother and had to try and come out on the spot. Fuck it. I am a girl. Whatever that means to me, whatever anyone else needs to take away from it; I /am/ a girl. Because those girls deserved life and didn't get it. And those girls were /ME/! And I deserve a good life too! and I'm scared as fuck and I don't know where to start or what to do, but I can't live like this! I am a girl!